I've sorely neglected my blog for nearly a month. And I'm not entirely sure. I've been blocked for about a month.

I wrote this scene in Carnal Fear and I happily opened it the next day and I looked at what I had and it was so damn final that I was stuck. No idea how to go on.

Since then I keep telling people I am far too busy to do things like go to their messageboards and post. And I wonder what on earth am I doing that's keeping me from posting?

I thought about it quite a lot today.

Here is what I think is going on.

1) I'm not sure how to accomplish something in CF. I'm also getting more and more worried about the age difference between Sutter and Aaron. Not because I think there's anything wrong with an age difference, God knows there was a big difference between Dan and I. It's the timing of the book. I've got Sutter doing certain things at certain times and I think there is a big gap if I leave it as is.

2) I have to kill off a character. I love this character. I don't want them to die. But they have to. But how? There are so many ways and one of them might make my readers hate another character.

3) I shot a short film. It's called Hearts and Flowers. It went great, a friend is editing it for me, or will if I ever put the bloody thing in the mail. Another friend is going to do the music.

4) I went off and auditioned for Night's new film, The Woods. All right, it was more of an open casting call but still.

5) I drove up to see Dan's grave and talk to him and that went quite wrong. It was a 16 hour round trip.

6) I'm quite attracted to a friend of mine which puts me a weird place. I've no idea how he feels about me. I'm not quite sure what I feel about him. I think that's it's a betrayal of Danny if I do start dating someone else, though Dan liked this person. I know Dan's been dead for 15 months but that feeling's still there.

7) I've been sort of wandering around in a daze wondering if I'm nearly done mourning Dan and wondering where my book is going, and wishing very hard that I could start The Fragmented Woman.

8) I'm reading all the stuff I have that Dan wrote for me because a lot of it was meant to go into CF. That makes me so sad and I want him back so badly. I want to talk to him and bounce ideas around and I want to know that he's really okay. That he's not dead and rotting in the cold, cold ground but rather he's moved on to a better plane of existence and he's flying around and he's walking and laughing.

9) I rewrote two scripts to submit to zoe. I rewrote a short story for another contest.

10) I've been being sociable, which is kind of weird for me now because I was not seeing a lot of people and now I am. I've been over to my sister Megan's house a couple times in the last week. I went to see the Eels and MC Honky - one of the best shows I've attended.

11) I tried to go see Counting Crows but the traffic was so bad I got there just as Adam was saying goodbye. What a bitter blow.

12) I'm being plagued by weird dreams. I dream about Adam Duritz a lot. Just this morning I dreamed about him. I dream about vorpal and Dan. I had a dream about this guy I might like. Just talking. I have had dreams where all technology fails and I have to save people. Always in a hospital setting. One I was trying to keep this boy alive who was on a ventilator. This attorney walked in and was going on about a malpractice suit and I said either help me with this CPR or get the fuck out. He left. I had another about vampires that had a very odd ending. I've never died in a dream before. And then I dream about the whales. They're calling to me asking for help but I don't know how to help them.