There is more to being healthy than just being able to see.

Seriously, just ask Ms. Keller. My specialist has the attitude that because I can still see everything is fine and I am getting better. My precipitation is that I still throw up an awful lot, I can’t walk up and down the stairs without nearly passing out, I get dizzy every time I get up, I have fierce headaches, my brain gets overwhelmed and I have trouble remembering things.

Why can’t we find some way of treating me that also fixes those problems? I have a little bit of antiemetics that my family doctor gave me. Not a lot, maybe three or four left and I will take them when I am so sick I start throwing up blood. The scariest thing is that I can take them and still be pinned down by wave after wave of nausea. And so I ask when will I get better? Is there anyone who can answer that question? That’s what I was afraid of.
* * * *
I’m working on The Wire on Sunday. I’ve got an 8 am call time and I need to wear one business casual outfit and bring another. I’ve basically been wearing pajamas for the last eight months so that was kind of hard to wrangle up. I’m thinking the bright pink cotton “disco queen” set doesn’t count as business casual.
God if you are reading my blog I would like you to make sure I stay healthy enough to get through this day in a professional manner. Keep me from being blinded by the lights on the set and please don’t let me throw up on anyone. Shamus said this work is perfect for me because I’ll be sitting down all day. I don’t want to let him down and I don’t want to screw up. Amen.
* * * *
I’m reading Blue Shoe by Anne Lamott. I love her. I love her for many reasons. She reminds me that I am a very angry woman and that is okay. She reminds me that despite my deep anger and craziness I can still attain moments of grace and I can rise above my darkest feelings and impulses.

She can talk to me about Jesus and not get on my nerves. I think there are maybe four people in my world that can talk to me about Jesus without me wanting to hit them or walk away or otherwise make them shut up. It’s funny how I have such an antipathy to someone I would probably really like. The problem with Jesus is that when he is presented to me by most people he is this dopey sappy mournful fake martyr that makes me want to scream. Anne’s Jesus is a Jesus I would send email to and ask for advice and listen to his problems and give him advice.

Jesus is a character in Blue Shoe but not Jesus is a character in those Left Behind books. He’s offstage in all of them but he’s got a very different role in each. In the Left Behind books he’s this weird army commander who happens to love you and will torture and kill you to prove his love. In Blue Shoe he’s this guy who loves you and wants you to be happy and knows how hard it is to do the right thing consistently.

It’s particularly interesting to me to read this book after reading Anne’s essays at Salon.com. It’s fascinating how well she has taken her nonfiction and incorporated it into this piece of fiction. I’m about halfway through the book and I am simply head over heels in love with it.