Sad Stuff

I thought I would make it through the day but without crying but once again I was wrong. I am reading Jane Smiley's Horse Heaven, Sandy lent it to me, and I just got a bit where someone died and someone else is missing him a great deal and watching horses. That made me cry.

I was thinking that when I think of Danny or talk to him I always look up. That is the opposite of when he was alive. Because he was six inches shorter than me and then of course being in the wheelchair made me really tower over him.

I used to sit on the floor, or kneel or lounge around on the bed sometimes so we'd be at eye level but mostly it was me looking down at him. Which is not the same as looking down on him.

I never noticed how little he was until we flew to LA in April of last year. It was the first time he ever sat next to me. We had to kind of prop him up because he couldn't sit up on his own. I had to hold him up during take off. It was cool though, I never minded doing for him. I like it. But I looked at him and he only came up to my shoulder and I was so surprised. I'd known him for ages and I knew his statistics in my head, 5 feet tall, 70 lbs, but he always seemed larger than life. And perhaps he was. Life couldn't hold him anymore so he left.

pao and I were talking about Angels of the Silences and he said that all leaving does is hurt you til you're only good for waiting for whoever left. I know that's not really true. There's lots of things I am good for. But part of me is always waiting. Always looking and listening and never, ever finding him.

All my sins I said that I would pay for them if I could come back to you.
All on my innocence is wasted on the dead and dreaming.
Adam F. Durtiz