Saturday, February 28, 2004

Where's Trixi?

Trixi and I had been gone for two weeks when we came home sunburnt and happy. I was scared the entire way home waiting for a big blow up from my folks. I was expecting to be grounded and forbidden to see Trixi until we both went off to college but nothing happened.

She had told my parents I was staying at her house and her parents the exact opposite. One of the many bizarre things that life did to make her happy and as usual I got to benefit also.

Friday, February 27, 2004

Where's Trixi?

This is very true. So many people spend so much energy and time fighting over religion and politics. How many times have I seen someone say you are so right! I am stupid and I need to change my views. None.

In science it often happens that scientists say, "You know that's a really good argument; my position is mistaken," and then they would actually change their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion. - Carl Sagan, astronomer and writer (1934-1996)

Where's Trixi?

We hung on the fence looking at the mare and the foal. They were bays. The sun made their coats look lighter than they really were. I could have sworn the mare smiled at us thinking how goofy we were. Just another pair of yearlings making fools out of ourselves over the new arrival.

The baby was nursing, looking as if its tail was a propeller and it was going to take off butt first. It was so solidly attached to Mama's teat it would never have gotten any real height but it would have been even more charming.

Mama flicked an ear at us and went back to grazing. I think she chucked occasional as Trixi and I took pictures and planned a wild rocket to fame racing life for this foal that looked all legs and knees and frantic tail.

Thursday, February 26, 2004

Where's Trixi?

Our run of good luck continued. We got rides from genuinely nice people and we had a blast. Oddly Trixi kept us on a steady diet of healthful foods. I expected we'd be eating the worst kind of junk but she managed to scout out fresh veggies and tofu in the smallest towns in the tiniest corners of the backroads of rural Kentucky.

On our third day we saw our first foal.

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

Where's Trixi?

Trixi said she was down with me calling my folks if I found it absolutely necessary. In other words if I wanted her to make fun of me for the rest of our lives I could call so I didn't. I sent them a postcard.

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Old heartaches

Once again I am sorting through old mail deleting duplicates. I screwed up and resurrected a bunch of stuff that I really want to be rid of forever. At the same time I am building an archive of all of Paul's old gossip columns.

Here I am, working on my horror script, the second half is about the nature of denying grief and is a direct result of something Chris said to me after Dan died and I'm also reading all these old emails, getting sicker and sicker the closer I get to the day he died.

I hit it just as Catapult came on. The triple whammy. I always liked the part about being the last thing you see as you're falling asleep and I wonder how much longer Danny hung on after they took him away for the test from hell and I wonder if I was really there for him at the end.

There's also an email he sent this guy who was considering me for a reporter position in LA. Danny told him to hire me or die cold and sad and alone. Then he said that nobody could die sad if I was working for them because nobody could be sad around me. Then less than a month later he was dead and I was the sad one.

Wow I took this Human for Sale test nearly two years ago and the link is still good. That is impressive.

Where's Trixi?

I thought maybe we should call our parents but Trixi said no way. Her parents didn't deserve to know where she was and mine could wait a couple of days. It would do mine good.

I asked her what she meant by her parents not deserving to know. For the first time it struck me as odd taht i had never once seen them.

"Trust me. They deserve nothing. They don't even count as human." and that was all she would say. Later I tried to get her to go to social services but she just laughed, pinched my cheeks and told me I was adorable.

Sunday, February 22, 2004

This is too funny.

How to Draw Manga: Girls' sex Life Illustration File TPB

This book pinpoints the specific qualities that make young horny women unique, like how their pants are inviting, the secret weapons they keep in their underwear, the way they sleep, and why they smell so darned good. Get the answers and many more with an intimate look at the sex lives of six very different young women.

All this time I have known I have been doing something wrong but I just wasn't sure what it was. I have no weapons in my underwear. That's got to be it.


I've been thinking about what Neil said about the whole children as a genre writing thing. He's quite right.

But there's more to it than thinking of children as one child with one taste.

I'm reading Big Girls Don't Cry by Connie Briscoe-. I checked it out of the library. The spine has a little note that says African American.

What the hell is that? Only the coloured need apply? It will only appeal to African Americans? It has issues that only blacks will find of interest? It talks about racism? Well it does but you know I don't think genreing off fiction is going to do a whole to help race relations. I'm just sayin'

Where's Trixi?

Tim came over and we watched Lost in Translation yesterday afternoon. The online blurb I saw said that Bill Murray finds news meaning in his life. I must have missed that part. I saw him find sleep but that is about it. I am not sure why his character made the choices he did. They certainly would not be my choices.

My posts from earlier vanished. Sigh.'

Okay, first shot out of the way. I am on Lovenox in preparation for the lumbar puncture on Thursday. Twenty shots all together. Nineteen to go. They have this wicked cool needle protector thingie that almost makes up for having to do the shot in the first place.

Big shout out to my friends at the Vine.

I started a web comic today. It's funny because I can't draw to save my life but maybe I can learn. I have achieved total geekdom I think. It's called the inconvenient Brain Tumour.

I gave up on my algebra class. I just can't do it. I need to withdraw from it soon.

Other than that everything is just jake.

Saturday, February 21, 2004

Where's Trixi?

So there we were Trixi and I, in a hotel miles from home, kicking back, lying on the beds with our feet on the walls, thumping techno playing all around, discussing what we would do with the exciting lives that lay ahead of us.

It's kind of funny but customer service for the tech industry never once crossed my mind and I seriously doubt that becoming a "disappeared" was ever one of Trixi
s goals.

Where's Trixi?

Tim just called. He's working tonight and wanted to tell me he couldn't take me out. Now when did we start having the sort of relationship where he assumes that I am counting on him taking me out on Friday? I am not sure I like this.

On the hand it is kind of comforting. Sigh. I'm just going to go with it instead of trying to analyze everything.

Friday, February 20, 2004

Where's Trixi?

Our redneck buddy had taken us to this great classic truck stop. Not one of those tourist attraction truck stops but a real one. He tried to pay for our lunch but we wouldn't let him.

He dropped us off in this parking lot of a cheap motel. He made us wait outside for a few minutes while he said he scoped the place out for us. Turns out he paid and we not only got to save our cash but we didn't even have to show fake ID. What a sweetie.

Thursday, February 19, 2004

Where's Trixi?

The first person to give us a ride was a real redneck. He was funny and charming and let us switch off riding in the front seat.

He was never rude and he never made a pass at us. He was a self professed redneck in case y'all are wondering why I say he was a redneck. He was nervous about leaving us on our own but he finally did, shaking his head as he drove off to the thumping of some classic rock song.

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

I went to the doctor today and while I was waiting someone was giving out free massage. It's amazing how much of my body is numb to the touch. I noticed it in my face and my neck and when I can't fee my fingers and toes but I had no idea it was so widespread and apparently random.

I guess it's not just the cranial nerves that are affected.

I am trying to be clinical about this instead of just collapsing into a little heap and crying until my brain washes away in a tsunami of tears.

I worked on Devil May Care today. I am taking out a lot of fucks. I was sad about the motherfucking country singer's cabbage soup diet becoming Goddamned instead. It doesn't feel as strong this way. Of course all the talk about how Johanna is all about the dick is still there which will no doubt disqualify me for the PG13 rating anyway. It can only get worse as the Most Excellent Keith G. would say,

Text of an email to Kevin from me called What do you do for recreation?

Intervention Radiology (is that not a scary name? Like you're getting so many x-rays your family and friends are going to stop you) called to say that they tried to get a referral for me for the lumbar puncture next week. Dr. Whittaker's office said I have to call in. So I did and this chick Jill tells me that Dr. Risamondo has to call because I have to prove I need it.

I don't know about you but I certainly don't let someone dig around in my spinal canal for fun. What the fuck is that?

Where's Trixi?

We knew that road kids are always in danger but the thing is when Trixi and I were together it was like we became something stronger than the two of us. We tapped into some sort of cosmic kick ass grrl power thingie that made us feel invincible. Our happiness was our defense and our smiles were deadly weapons.

I hope Trixi still has some of that wherever she may be.

Monday, February 16, 2004

Where's Trixi?

One time Trixi and I ran away. We aere horse crazy and stifled by our parents so one of us got the brilliant idea that we would take off and go to Kentucky to see the Thoroughbred foals. It was spring and all things seemed possible.

We spent the next few weeks packing on the sly and doing odd jobs. Then one morning we met up at school, walked out of school, caught a ride and headed to Kentucky with $167.59 between the two of us. We were sixteen and in love with the lure of change.

Sunday, February 15, 2004

Where's Trixi?

Tim loved his present but he seemed to think it was a really intimate gift. I don't think so. A really intimate gift would be ummm well maybe he was right.

He bought me this beautiful pearl ring. Every time I look at it I smile.

I was going to talk about our evening together but somehow that seems like an invasion of privacy so let's just say it was deluxe.

Saturday, February 14, 2004

Mr Fogg I dedicate Angels of the Silence to you because it's all so true.

Where's Trixi?

The year Trixi and I turned 16 we threw this big Valentine's Day party at my house. Of course it was at my house. There was this girl called Joy who was the date of about five different boys. She had a bad reputation and my mom was mad I let her in the house.

Trixi saw I was upset and she walked past and whispered "Joy is sweet 16 and never been fucked in the ass." I laughed so hard everyone stared.

Doorbell, must be Tim. I wonder if he will like the present I got him.

I am so happy today. No real reason. Just happy.

Friday, February 13, 2004

Where's Trixi?

Nothing bad happened today. Take that superstition!

Where's Trixi?

I went to the Annapolis Mall to get Tim's gift. After much wandering I ended up at the Dakota Watch kiosk where a very nice young man helped me pick this out.


I hope Tim doesn't read this. :-(

Thursday, February 12, 2004

Where's Trixi?

After much thinking I decided to stop fooling myself. I heard Tim call me his girl the other day. We're dating. We're an item. I feel all happy and warm and delicious when we are together.

No more worrying about what Trixi would have said, might say, did say. She broke up with him and I can have him. I'm going shopping tomorrow to buy him a Valentine's Day present. I love to shop. No more deprivation. Fun here I come.

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

Lemony Snicket has been outed. I rather liked not knowing who he was. Oh well.

I'm afraid to go to sleep. I guess I think I will wake up blind. Chris says vision is a luxury. Perhaps it is. But I rater like it.

I was telling Dr. Whittaker today that my reading now is quite a lot like trying to read the paper when a cat wants you to pet it. You move around, look over, under, over the cat, try and look through it, can't and twist all about in an unconscious effort to finish reading and it never really crosses your mind that maybe the cat is movable and you could solve the whole thing by removing the cat ant closing the door and putting on a pair of decent headphones so you can't hear the cat any longer.

although in my case I ignored the cat so long I can no longer remove it and I have to find a work around. My vision is quite bad today and it's been very hard to do my homework, my job or any writing.

I really need a splendid name for this guy who is about to appear in Devil May Care. Too bad Lucifer is taken.

God I must be vastly depressed. I am hopelessly behind in Neil's journal. I go and try and read it and I go to where I left off which is where someone is asking if Neil realizes that Death's appearance in Washington Square park is the same spot where there used to be a Potter's Field and I think about how Danny and I used to hang out in that park and how I kissed him there, and later wrote a poem about it, and how I kissed him in a cemetery in New Jersey and he later died in the same town and I can't bear to read anymore.

I want so badly to think that Death is like Neil's Death, or vorpal, some hot young compassionate entity who takes you by the hand and leads you to whatever is coming next in such a smooth and gentle fashion that you don't quite realize what's happened until you are safely settled in.

Where's Trixi?

When I feel like planning to hunt down Trixi or whoever is responsible or her vanishment I feel oddly adrift and queasy. It's hard to do anything when you want to puke.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could; Some
blunders and absurdities crept in; Forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow
is a new day; You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be
encumbered with your old nonsense. -Ralph Waldo Emerson, writer and
philosopher (1803-1882)

Dr. De Luca just called me because my PT/INR is 6.7. I mean really, what the hell. My brain is swollen but it's all good because I will bleed to death before I can go blind. Woohoo! Time to put on some loud music and dance.

Monday, February 09, 2004

Where's Trixi?
I've always loved vampire stories. I was reading this thing Dean Koontz wrote where he is saying a reviewer messed up by talking about a vampire in a novel he wrote. Mr. Koontz was pretty irate and pointed out he never wrote a vampire character in his life. It seemed like pride talking.

He gave me the impression he thinks losers write vampires. Maybe they have been sort of cliched in certain people's hands but it doesn't mean there is no good vampire fiction. I'm going to the movies tonight to see a film called The Vampyre Strikes Back.

Sunday, February 08, 2004

I wrote my column for Benn about that little girl who got in trouble for telling someone they were going to hell. Her father is saying she was just telling it like it is, not cursing. I think that telling someone that they are going to burn and be stuck with red hot pitchforks for eternity is much more offensive then a simple go suck a poisoned dick. I'm just sayin'

My homework for ecommerce was kind of funny. I was comparing different ticketing sites. One of the ones the textbook told me to check out is a German site. Which is cool but not as useful as it could be since I don't think I will be in Germany anytime soon.

So I am bleeding in the back of my eyes, I go see the retina doctor tomorrow. The most excellent Keith G. wants to know why I need to go if I can see.

Where's Trixi?

I was looking for a picture of the Spirit of Justice today. I can't stand thinking about that bitch John Ashcroft and his bizarre hiding away of her nudity. Apparently she and her mate were part of the WPA in the 30's. She survived the censorship of the depression and the three feet on the floor rule of cinema, through the McCarthy (sp?) years and now some other government funky whackjob is hiding her away. It's a crying shame.

It's also quite ironic that he had her eight thousand dollar shroud made because he didn't like his picture taken in front of her and now you can't find a picture of her that doesn't include him. God forbid he should have just moved his podium. Now he is forever linked with her. Hmm. Maybe she won after all.

Just watched the Hudsucker Proxy for the second time. I love the Coen brothers. I know people who hate them. I think the key is you have to realize you are entering a different world where anything can happen and then you just kick back and enjoy, They make such wonderful funny movies that are terribly touching. Good times.

Saturday, February 07, 2004

Where's Trixi?

Last night was bloody odd. I met this guy called Laramie who thought I was Trixi. He insisted that I had met him last year and gave him my name and number but the number was no good when he called.

Trixi and I don't look much alike. She was gone by the time he says he met her. It wasn't me because I would have remembered a name like that. Maybe he was confused or never told me his name. So much of my life is a mystery. I wonder what it is like to live a normal boring existence.

Where's Trixi?

I'm going out dancing tonight. Time for some techno trance music. Take me oooooouuut tonight! I guess I am taking myself out but whatever, I can sing what I like,

Friday, February 06, 2004

Where's Trixi?

I notice when I go to the ballet I walk differently when I come out. I walk tall, more grateful, more aware of my body. Maybe a little too aware of my body. Tim and I made out in the car for a long time. It was really nice and he's the one who said I'd better go inside. First guy I've ever dated who said that. Whoa, am I dating him? I guess so. Oh jeez I hate these confusing betraying feelings he brings up in me. Why didn't Trixi just marry him and not vanish? I could go out with the two of them and hang out with the people I love the most. Sigh.

Thursday, February 05, 2004

PGL3 is starting. They want a thriller or a horror PG13 script to be made for under a mil. Yeah right. I can't even remember the last time I saw a horror that was PG13. Iffen I try and make Devil May Care into a feature by deadline I don't guess Johanna can say It's all about the dick.

And on another note, irrational numbers make baby Jesus cry. I'm just sayin'

Where's Trixi?

I have a new reputation at the office. Word got out that I left Frank at the docks because he wouldn't do me on the first date and now the clients are asking me out. The funny thing is that I won't even kiss on the first date. What the hell, a spicy rep is not going to hurt me.

Wednesday, February 04, 2004

There is no one, no matter how wise he is, who has not in his youth said things or done things that are so unpleasant to recall in later life that he would expunge them entirely from his memory if that were possible.
-Marcel Proust, novelist (1871-1922)

Where's Trixi?

Tim and I went to see Rent tonight. What a great show. I loved Angel. Tim doesn't understand my fascination with transgenders and transvestites. I have huge respect for anyone who is brave enough to be themselves and not just the body they were born into. Whether that means they are really a woman or really a man or I supposed even two people in one body.

Monday, February 02, 2004

Wow no doubt my computer is trying to send me into a swoon. First that long Murder of One I love - hello my sweet orangutan... Then Suffocate sung by Adam - Don't you fucking touch me I can hardly stand to look in your eyes - and now Ryan Adams singing Firecracker. I just want to burn out hard and bright.... *thud*

Crazy stuff

How perfectly queer. I am rather pleased at what I wrote. I am writing to my friend Monikka now and I am listening to Adam singing one version of A Murder of One. That is a song that has always meant a lot to me and if you like it you should also read Bryan Talbot's One Bad Rat but I digress.

I keep feeling Danny here. What's more is I can see him and hear him. I keep looking up to where he is, in the corner of my bad eye, to tell him something. I can hear him singing to me. He doesn't want me to waste my life. Is he hanging on to me or am I hanging to him? All I know is my life is filled with spirits and ten million beautiful words.

Where's Trixi?

Sometimes you've got to dance and sometimes you've gotta read vampire stories. And sometimes you just want a vampire to bite you so much you roll around on your bed moaning and chewing on the inside of your mouth, licking the blood and thinking of all the things you could do if everything clicked into place.

So you get dressed and you go out and you walk with that certain flair because everyone wants you. You go to a club and you dance and you don't lack for dance partners or for drinks. You don't drink the drinks because after all, you don't drink wine.

You settle for an older guy who just can't believe his luck. He's so happy you chose him you think he's going to have a heart attack right there in the parking lot. He thinks your shiver is from the cold so he gives you his coat. His scent lingers in the cloth making your knees weak. He thinks it's charming how much you long for him and he leans down and kisses you before he closes the door to the car.

He gets in and you are all over him, kissing, nipping, biting, smelling, wanting to get inside of him, to grab all his warmth and life. You're overcome by wave after wave of feeling. You can hardly breathe. Your moans are so loud you don't hear that God damn officious little prick Officer Benny knocking on the glass of the car window with his nightstick.

You ignore him all the way home, slam the door in his face and take a nice hot bath with a beautiful dark red glass of wine.

Sunday, February 01, 2004

I would love to get a Sordid Humour CD. Mayhaps I should look over to eBay.

I did my first ecommerce paper about eBay. It was pretty easy. I have this feeling there will be little or no columns for Benn for a good while.

Where's Trixi?

The strangest thing in my life happened when we were in sixth grade. No doubt I mentioned that my parents never had much money when I was a child. To everyone's dismay the price of housing went up quite a lot the summer before we were meant to start middle school.

Our landlady sold our house and we were forced to move to a worse neighborhood with a pretty decent school system. Always shy I had a terrible time. I missed Trixi fiercely and my parents never let me call her. My mom would start moaning and acting crazy and my father would banish me to my room until "all this nonsense is over and you start acting normal."

Then one day I was sitting in the cafeteria crying and pretending to read the Island Stallion when I heard a voice and there she was. My Trixi girl. She never ever explained how she got her parents to put her in that school. I'd as them now but they died the year she got out of high school. Life is so peculiar.