Thursday, July 31, 2003

Woohoo! Not due until tomorrow!

I am such a dork! I'm doing a small rewrite of Madwoman. I want to add a scene I call Icarus Unbound, yes, just like the poem I wrote for Danny's anniversary of his death except totally different. One inspired the other.

I'm proofing as I go, taking out words that don't need to be there and I realize that since I wrote it in Word, lost my only copy, because it was on Dan's computer and I don't have any way of getting back, got a pdf copy from vorpal and then copied and pasted the text into Movie Magic that some of the formatting is still finked up.

So I'm reading along and when I come to the description of Miami, it says she's in her early late 30's. Uh-huh. As if that meant anythig to those of us at home. Oi.

Must finish two scripts before midnight so as to not have pay an extra twenty bucks to enter the zoetrope contest. I think they might be on Pacific time. That would be good.

Tuesday, July 29, 2003

I am so behind in everything.

Sunday, July 27, 2003

I forgot the cardinal rule of cats. Chris brought his kitten, Georgie, in and Georgie got behind the stove into this bizarre kitten sized hole in the wall. Chris pulled the stove out and we coaxed Georgie out who then ran beside the couch for about 8 hours.

He's very anxious. So I said maybe his mom should come over for a few days so he won't feel so freaked out. Mom is pregnant again. I was thinking keep mom and then take her to the SPCA so she and the kittens will all be fixed and we'll break this cycle of continuing kittens. But I really like mom. DAG NAB IT!

A lost pregnant dog on Valentines day, nine puppies on President's day and now thousands of kitties. Madre de Dios.

Tuesday, July 22, 2003

1250 words, 3:38 am, time for bed. I think I fixed. I really do. Not quite all done, but I like it much better. It's not as glib and there's a choice now. A test and a choice. Damn I am tired.

God's Teeth, something is finally going right with CF. I just wrote a very funny descriptive scene.

CF is making me crazy. I know Will says don't rewrite as I go along but that scene with Dublin is just wrong. It cries out to me all the time to fix it and I don't know how.

Sunday, July 20, 2003

So just for kicks and because someone asked me, I tried the six degrees of Kevin Bacon thing.

Conor O'Farrell was in Stir of Echoes with Kevi Bacon. Conor did the X-Files at some point. I am connected to David Duchovny at least four ways. He was in Evolution with Julianne Moore. I was in Hannibal with Ms. Moore, as were my two younger sons.

Also I did Young Americans with Rodney Scott, who was also on the X-Files.

And I was on Homicide which did a crossover with the X-Files with Richard Belzer.

So there. That's pretty good for a nobody like me.

Yesterday I wrote this thing about teenagers and how they are perceived vs how their lives really are. I talked about the pressure these kids get. I forgot to talk about how their bodies are depleted because they are growing and they get little sleep.

Towards the end of what I wrote I talked about the ones who can't bear up under the pressure. Cannot tolerate the parents who push them to be what they are not. The ones who are bullied, pushed down the stairs, the ones who are mocked for reading or being smart or wearing glasses or not having the right clothes.

The kids who decide it's not worth it. Who've given all they have, taken all they can and they end it all. In whatever fashion. I see four ways they do it.

They just stop. Their grades bomb, they sleep a lot, they spend time chilling when they could be studying. They give up on college. Some of these kids go on to college around the age of 25. But it's harder then because they generally have a full time job and it's hard to work and go to school. Not to denigrate anyone who worked their way through college, I certainly worked when I was in college but it somehow wasn't quite the same when I tried college the first time. It was easier to juggle everything.

The second way is to start drugging and drinking and fighting. Sometimes they work out of this and sometimes they don't. It's sad to me that kids need to escape so badly that they do stuff that permanently affects the architecture of the brain. Sometimes they start dealing for the easy money and come to a bad end.

The third way is they go on a shooting spree. I believe that the general public thinks that Columbine was the first. But it wasn't. There was that girl who shot up the school because she didn't like Mondays. There was a drive by when I was in high school. There have been shootings in schools for many, many years. It wasn't until the white upper class kids lost it and did something very stupid and wrong that the media attention really focused on what is going on.

Even then the media tends to ignore the poorer schools. There was a shooting at a white high school oh maybe two years ago. Nobody was killed. It was all over the news. Same day, about 20 minutes from my office six black kids were shot. Nothing in the papers or on the news. Maybe a tiny five line article. It's discrimination if you ask me, but nobody does.

The fourth way is suicide. These are the kids who die and their parents say what happened? He/she was so perfect. They were on the football team, they played an instrument, they volunteered at the SPCA, they got straight A's. They were popular, they were going to go to a great school and be a lawyer or a doctor and they were perfect. What happened?

Nobody is perfect. Trying to force your child into the perfect mold leads to anorexia, depression and/or death.

I wrote an essay about this and more yesterday. And today I open my browser and the first thing I see is a headline about four dead teenagers. This is not the first time I have written about something that is bothering me and then it shows up. Danny said it was because I am an empath.

Regardless we have a tragedy and why? I don't know yet. I just think we should ease off on our youth and let them be themselves.

But who am I? Only a single mom who does the best she can with her own kids and her kids' friends when they need advice, when they need someone to listen, and gives out hugs to those who look lost and frightened.

One teenage friend who used to come over when he could was in prison because his father beat him and then had him arrested for hitting him. Nobody would take his calls from prison so he'd call me and I'd give him encouragement. I'd tell him to write his feelings down. To write his music and he'd be able to play it when he got out.

He used to call me Mom and say I was the only one who cared about him. He was writing songs for the film Dan and I should be making right now. And then right around when Dan died he took off. Stole some guns, violated parole and supposedly went to Mexico. I don't know how I failed him.

I wish I knew where he is.

I hope that he's as okay as he can be.

I hope he hasn't done something that can't be undone.

I hope the Lord shines sweetness on his soul to quote Life is Beautiful, one of the posters at the message board I moderate would say.

This is swiped from an interview with Neil at

What projects are you working on now?

Well, once I've finished recovering from the signing tour, there are a couple of things. There's a children's book that should have been finished by December that's been sitting on hold now for a couple of months. I'm actually feeling very guilty because I left four kids locked in a closet, three of them have been dead for years and years and years. I'm feeling guilty. They've been in there for months and I have to go and get them out.

The reason I am posting that is because that is exactly how I feel about my characters. Poor Sutter was stuck in the hospital with a nosy roommate for ages.

Sutter and Eric have been kissing for about a week, which I guess is pretty much okay as long as she's not flipping out.

Johanna was in a box in a mausoleum for months and months and months.

Angie and Cody have been about to have sex since 1997.

I've got a queen bleeding to death in something that I started and stopped in 1997. That was a big year for me starting things and then stopping them. I even wrote a song for the queen called Caribou, Carry You. But the poor dear is still bleeding.

Marjory is trying desperately to read the mind of a man who's just been blown up and she's scared to death because she's afraid the reason she can't get to him is because he has, indeed, been blown up.

Kitta, Bella and Tsirrow have been sitting on a plain thinking for oh goodness, I guess the day before Danny died. I had all the plot worked out and then I blamed the story partly for Danny's death so I stopped working on it.

Cordelia is still trying to manifest herself enough to tell her story.

Martha is lugging home a bunch of library books about the internet and has been for a month.

Cullen and a selkie have been trying to rescue the daughter of the Queen of the Sea since 1998.

A bunch of kids have been hiding a stolen racehorse since 1995.

A kid whose parents are accidentally neglecting him has been considering a kidnapping for two years.

A woman has just lost her husband and is crying and has been for six months or so.

Adam is doubting that he can satisfy his wife and has been for a year or so.

Polly has gone mad and is in a graveyard and has been for about two years.

These poor women are pregnant with lithopeds and one of them has been miscarrying since 1996, with a brief respite last year when I tried to turn the story into a freakylinks story instead of an x-file.

A woman in the old west is trying to protect her saloon.

Two other women are fighting off aliens and have been for a year most likely.

A woman has strangled her baby at birth with its own umbilical cord and is now using it as a familiar. It's spirit is killing another woman in a park and has been since October of 2001.

A pixie is hiding in a suit of armour and has been there since 1995.

A girl may or may not have been raised by wolves. She's been in the forest since the day before Danny died because I bounced the idea off of him.

A prince is mouldering in a cell while a woman show jumps in another time and place. That's been going on since 97.

An actor who sweeps women off their feet has met his match and they have been talking for three years now.

An engaged girl who broke off the engagement has been having problems since 1998.

And Percival and Jake are trying hard to return a dress that doesn't even belong to them.

Two men in the early twenties have been driving cross country since 2001.

The mayor of a town turns to fraud to save the town. She's been turning for several years now.

A man is being plagued by a fairy who's not quite what he expected. She's been threatening him since 2001.

An abused woman and her many children have been abandoned in a town populated only by dead people for two months now.

A woman has been trying to get to ground zero since September 21 of 2001 to find her daughter and her grandmother.

A homeless girl who dreams of a serial killer has been dreaming of him for a year.

Oh my poor characters. What I put them through! The humanity!

I worry about them.

And I want to run when I hear someone tell me they have an idea I can have. Ideas are not my problem, time is my problem

I wrote something very long and hard today. No not that, sheesh you people.

Saturday, July 19, 2003

What does this mean?

I am looking for a completed contemporary non-erotic, sexy thriller (no revealing sex scenes) or non-comedic romance. It must have a strong female lead.

How can something be sexy but not erotic? I think the barn scene in Witness where they are dancing is amazingly erotic and sensual. I know I watched it with my mouth open, but then I tend to react like that when I see something that makes my libido sit up and beg.

My friend Lily went on a diet so I decided so really make sure I work out to keep her company. Yesterday I lifted weights and danced around. Today I stretched out. I will dance around later. Beethoven is on right now. I think there is a universal law against punkers dancing to Beethoven. It will bring on the Big Crunch or something.

Friday, July 18, 2003

Holy cow! Jake Gyllenhaal was in Homicide: Life on the Street and so was I. I am linked to so many actors because of that show, The Corner and Shot in the Heart.

I quite like Jake Gyllenhaal. I think he has talent and charisma. I wonder if he has clout. If he could make DTF. I don't care, I know I changed the name but it will always be DTF to me.

He'd make a fine Terry. Or a splendid David. He's got the intensity for David but he might enjoy doing a more comic role like Terry. I could totally see him making those presentations. Oh the things I could do with some money...

I badly want to be on this show. DAMN IT! Why is my brilliance known to so few?

I'm watching Dead Like Me. It's surprisingly well written. The directing and the acting is also quite good. I think I might start watching this thing.

Which means of course, it will get cancelled. As all shows I like are cancelled.

You know, rival networks should pay me to watch good shows so they'll be cancelled and everyone will watch the rival network's crappy shows. I wonder if I could actually make a living cursing shows with my attention.

I'm thinking I might have ruined Cullen's life. (In the before mentioned life ruining sort of way) We're watching a movie and I said "That's a really nice shot." And he says, "I was going to say that!"

Now why is my kid analyzing camera shots? Because the poor kid has been saturated with writing, film making and acting talk since before he was born! He was at Renn Fair with me when he was two weeks old. And Cammie was conceived at Renn Fair. Okay, so not exactly at the Fair but still, during the run of the fair.

Hannibal was on, we didn't watch it because they are too young but they are in it and so am I. It's surprising how many shows I've been in that I've never seen.

Someone didn't like my column last week. I think he didn't like me using the word ruined as in the title "How Art and Literature Ruined My Life." It was meant to be mildly amusing. Ah well, at least someone is reading it.

Wednesday, July 16, 2003

Now the Vine is screwy. It's a conspiracy for sure.

Aagh, the PGL boards are coming down for a whole weekend! They better bring them back up. Dag nab it!

DAMN IT! I am watching PGL and the dude says "I hate to tell you this but I am not your problem anymore."

The script formerly known as Drunk Terry Flunk is now called I am Not the Problem Here because I just found out that Drunk Terry Flunk is a wrestler who has something to do with Insane Clown Posse.

And now on PGL, my home away from home, is a line that is very similar to some lines from the former DTF. But at least I registered it with WGA ages ago. When Dan died I guess because it was on his computer and who knew if someone might think it was his and try and sell it. Yerp.

It is horrifying that we have to fight our own government to save the environment. -Ansel Adams, photographer (1902-1984)

Very true. Chris has this great Ansel Adams poster up in his room. He got it dumpster diving. I'm amazed at what you can get dumpster diving. I got a new lamp and two new lamp shades and some fancy Christmas stuff last time we were over to the Salvation Army.

It's like the food chain. Or something. You have people who can afford new things. So they give the old things to the Salvation Army. The Salvation Army sells some of it but some they put in the dumpster.

Then as soon as they close the divers appear. Some of them take the stuff and sell it in thrift shops. 100% profit except for the gas. Amazing society in which we live.

There's this ftp site with a bunch of Counting Crows concerts on it. They are cool with bootlegging their concerts in fact last year they set up a special part of each venue for bootleggers.

So these songs are .shn files which are HUGE. I downloaded a bunch of them and had to delete them because I ran out of room on my hard drive. Now almost all the ones from 2001 are gone. That bothers me deeply.

I have a sudden request for hats. iamthecoolestchick and question each want a hat for their respective birthdays. Interesting. I feel like I'm in the in crowd.

I had a dream God told us to move to Canada. How weird is that?

Tuesday, July 15, 2003

I'm sort of halfway watching Minority Report. I'm rereading these old IM's between Dan and my self and posting also.

The reason I'm not watching it for real is because of the way it was filmed. I'm a member of SAG, although I admit I am hopelessly behind in my dues. But I am still a member of SAG. When Minority Report came to town the casting notice said only perfect people need apply. Nobody with glasses, no fatties, nobody balding.

Then they came to downtown DC and sent a notice around the building supervisors near my office. And they asked for everyone who was in a business suit to come down and play extras. And they gave lines to some of the non-union, non-actors. Meanwhile I was out of acting work.

Does it piss me off? Oh of course it does. I expect better than that from Spielberg.

dfogg32: i never want you to be sad

backgroundgrrl: :-)

backgroundgrrl: but sometimes i have to cry to feel better

backgroundgrrl: and sometimes i just overflow with emotion

backgroundgrrl: sometimes you really touch my heart

(it's true)

Ha ha ha:

backgroundgrrl: now i have another call

backgroundgrrl: good lord

dfogg32: lol

backgroundgrrl: another telemarketer

backgroundgrrl: i told her i don't like to save money...

dfogg32: lol!

dfogg32: sweet

backgroundgrrl: so she goes well we have four plans

dfogg32: ha!

backgroundgrrl: like they have the shitty plan they don't usually offer...

Monday, July 14, 2003

Advice from Dan about auditioning. :-)

don't think about who you're up against, think about how good you are

Here's a bio Danny wrote for me - I was doing this play a couple of years ago. Four (?) six (?) I don't remember how many stories from Smoke and Mirrors. I had four parts. I couldn't stand my director. vorpal called him Chuckie and Danny kept on offering to kill him for me.

backgroundgrrl: i have to do a bio - he's going to whine at us about it tomorrow

backgroundgrrl: i asked him if it had to be true and he said yes, the bastard

dfogg32: lol

dfogg32: how long is this bio?

backgroundgrrl: dunno, usually a few sentences.

backgroundgrrl: i've done really snotty ones - that only i knew were snotty

backgroundgrrl: like that i've had professional training on both coasts

backgroundgrrl: i snuck in a morrisey quote one time for cuckoos nest

backgroundgrrl: I'd rather be famous than righteous or holy anyday, anyday, anyday

dfogg32: Georgiana Lee is an actor, a writer, and a mother of three. This performance is her return to the stage after a ten year sabbatical to focus on film. She's written two feature length screenplays and can be seen in such films as Along Came a Spider, Hannibal, and The Blair Witch Project 2. Her next project is an independent sitcom pilot titled God's Toilet, currently in pre-production in New York City.

Saturday, July 12, 2003

Okay, here's what dude said:

Originally posted by: MakingMovies
If you haven't noticed. PGL is for film makers.
This is a screenwriting forum.

Not a book forum.
Not a lyrics.
Not a poetry forum.
Not a fantasy forum.
Not a cybersex forum.
Not a what my cat did last week forum.
Not a what problems I am having with my man forum.
Not a what I had for lunch forum.
Not a what kind of car I drive forum.
Not a how stupid does this sound forum.

It's a screenwriting forum.

My response:

I was reading a book about lyrics
thinking about music
and all its implications
when my stupid cat interrupted me!

My cat did the same thing last week.
My cat does not respect my Ferrari.
It's a damn fine automobile
but my cat does not care.

I took my cat to lunch
we had tuna
fresh caught tuna
and the busboy caught my eye

much like the fish hook caught the tuna
the busboy dragged me, kicking and screaming
but not into his boat
into a strong fantasy about sex

Not cybersex (although there's nothing wrong with that)
Real, hot, sweaty, my heart is racing
and I think it will explode

Soooo much better than sex
with what's is name
that guy, you know the one,
the one who always gives me troubles

yeah him, that one, who never
quite goes away, always hanging
on the edges of my life
thinking I'll notice him

God no, not that kind of sex
It was passionate, wet, slippery
I must have you now or swoon sex
take me I'm yours sex

Oh my, does this sound stupid?
I'd hate for my sexual ravings
to make me sound like I'm not
the smartest bulb on the block

Well even if it does
if I sound like a total fool
an utter and complete idiot
at least I'm not an unemployed screenwriter


You know what is really good when someone is pushing your buttons and annoying you? Listen to Five Iron Frenzy's Every New Day. It puts it all into perspective. I like the one from Proof That The Kids Are Revolting because of the out-takes at the end.

Everyone in the band can't stand me
because I'm a ----- hip hoppa

I've so been there where you forget your lines.

Oh man once I was a disciple (sp?) for Jesus Christ Superstar. Our Pilate forgot his lines like big time. He just stood there and nothing was happening for what seemed and eternity. So I sang his next line for him and then he remembered and he went on.

Then when he came off he swooned. Said it was the hot lights. I have my own theory about saving face but I'll keep it to myself because I want to fly higher every new day again...

I sometimes wish I could just walk up to someone at PGL and say "Say that to my face." I bet they wouldn't. Cowardly twerps.

If this guy doesn't stop throwing fatal car accidents in my face then pompous popinjay will not be the worst thing I call him.

Oh I should go get the poem I wrote for him yesterday.

I had a very odd dream last night. I'm not even sure I should call them odd anymore because all my dreams tend to be odd.

In this one I was rowing a small boat down a very pretty creek. This animal put its little paws on the side of the boat and scrambled in. It then asked me to solve some sort of mystery for it. Sadly I've forgotten the details. I have a lot of dreams about solving crimes for other people. I was just reading one I had about a year and a half ago that was quite strange and will end up in Carnal Fear.

This is the first time an unindentified animal asked me to figure out who done it. This thing looked like it was part armadillo and part hedgehog. Making it either an armahog or a hedgeadillo I suppose. If I can remember more I shall write a children's book about it.

Hmmm. I wrote this in December 2001. I kind of like it even though I am not at all sure what I meant when I wrote it.

gooey, slimy, profound,
writer love is exactly what i have for you.

the messiest, drippiest, craziest, most out of
control love in the world.

This wanker over to PGL is driving me nuts. We don't all have to be hidebound and rigid when we are writing. What's wrong with writing whatever the fuck you want to in your first draft?

Maybe later the little yellow flying pigs who rain acorns down on your head will come out of your story about George Washington. If you want it in your first draft then put it in and take it out later. Who knows, you might just have a totally new idea that's better than what you were writing in the first place.

Also with little yellow flying pigs you can have baby back ribs. I'm just sayin'

Thursday, July 10, 2003

My cameraman is back from Europe.

My friend Lori is publishing a story in an anthology that includes work by Stephen King.

I found a great new comic I love. Okay, new to me. It's called 9 Chickweed Lane.

The dealio is that I have to subscribe to continue getting Dilbert online. It's like ten bucks a year. I want my ten bucks worth so I signed up for every single cartoon I could. So now I am reading the archives of 9 Chickweed Lane. I love having new archives to read.

Hmm, what else. Oh yes, I read all 546 emails I have in my one hotmail account and I have some idea of some dialogue that will comprise one of Sutter's romances. Poor Sutter. She's having a really hard time. Okay not right this second, right now she is kissing Eric so he's having the hard time - ha ha, I am so silly.

My Dr. told me to start dating. That it will take up some of the vacuum Danny left behind. I don't know. Is it really that simple? I don't even know how to start dating. Madre de Dios.

Whoa I am tired. I'm off for the night.

Wednesday, July 09, 2003

Dang it I wrote a long post last night and it is gone.

So I was thinking how funny I can be. I think this is a good example, a reply to a poem Danny wrote for Cam's birthday a couple years ago.

He says thanks, he liked the poem a lot. If you send your address, he'll send you one of the worm balloons he got for his birthday. (not made from real worms, no animals were harmed in the production of Cam's birthday)

Tuesday, July 08, 2003

What's funny is that I think I have accepted it and then it smacks me in the face again.

Maybe I don't know what acceptance is. Maybe I have accepted it but still don't think it is fair. Maybe I finally know that you are gone for now but I still hate it and want you back.

I'm not mad at you anymore. I'm not even really mad. I'm just tired, very very tired and I want to talk to you.

I know that dream about the kid on life support is about you. About how helpless I was when you were dying and I wasn't there with you to protect you or make sure you got the care you needed or even if you knew that I was there and would have done anything to keep you safe.

It hurts to breathe.

I hope you're resting quietly, I hope that you're okay, I just wanted to say, good night daniel, good night, good night. (thanks adam)

This thing was down for a couple of days. At least it was for me.

Then I hit this wall. I wrote a very emotional scene for CF that must have just worn me out. I couldn't write anything at all for three days. How crazy is that? Then I wrote three pages yesterday and maybe two today. But it is rough going. It's turning out well, just not easy to write.

I'm not sleeping. When I do sleep I have crazy dreams. From a post to Lily at PGL:

I keep dreaming about whales in trouble.

And then last night, this morning, whatever, I was dreaming about how all the technology in the world stopped working and I was at this hospital trying to keep this kid who was on life support breathing after everything stopped.

Then this guy came in and told me he was a personal injury attorney and I was just like either help me with this kid's breathing or just get out.

So he left. Bastard.

I swear if I don't get some sleep soon I will fall apart. I feel like I'm in a trance. Nothing seems real.

Sigh. Damn it I still miss you and you know who you are. Oh I found the true freaker page still up at geocities. (let's hope that F*x doesn't notice) I don't know why you aren't here to read it with me and then watch the episode. I feel like throwing things. Doesn't change anything does it? All the anger and sadness and grief isn't going to change one thing.

I never got to tell you the tatterdemalian story either. I don't understand why weirderthanmarshmallows is down. When am I going to accept that you are gone? Maybe never.

Thursday, July 03, 2003

You know if I didn't care about continuity I would be so much more prolific.

Heh. I am reading my vampire short that I really should finish. My vampire has just bitten this guy and he's say oh yeah, more. I'm listening to a DJ Tiesto live set and this girl says oh yeah, do you want some more? just as I read the words I have written. Funny but a little startling.

Word count for yesterday

1300 words, BOOM!

So today I will have no freaking idea how many words I write. Because I added two things that have no place in the story yet so they don't count and I didn't write them today.

I had a nightmare about one of my best friends last year. It was one of the worst dreams I have ever had and it haunted me for a long time after. I finally wrote to him and told him about it which is kind of weird I guess but it was just digging at me.

I went looking for that description today and even in my fear and despair is lyricism so I copied it and put it in CF. Not anywhere in particular, I just stuck it in there and someday I will find a place for it.

I also added this from another mail to the same friend:

I remember spinning round and round with my skirt flying round and round me with me not knowing that going round and round was going to cause a death in some distant time and far away place I didn't know any of that i just knew i was full of love and life and i was dancing and singing to why can't i be you when i was in rehearsal for god's favourite and everybody looked at me like I was crazy but I was free and happy and the moonlight was coming down and making everything so beautiful and then we were throwing rocks up in the air to make the bats come and i knew at that moment that everything was okay and it always would be but i was wrong. I'm always wrong when i think that things will okay. but maybe they can be okayish. i don't know yet. but maybe.

i heard a rumour floating through the ether a rumour that i shouldn't give up hope and those words seemed so familiar but i can't place them they just ring in my head don't give up hope...

I was just reading the news, not a normal pursuit for me but first I saw something about Aboriginal art and then a blob so I got kind of sucked into it without my consent.

The blob thing was both very cool and poignant for me. Reuters seems to have no clue about the history of the MANY blobs that have been found and not identified. They mention one in 1896 but please, any true freaker knows there are more than that. And that's the poignant part. I am a true freaker and the one freak who I'd like to talk to about it isn't around anymore. That would be Derek Barnes, my beloved webmaster of Okay, okay, yes, after getting to know him and emailing him and all I did find out he wasn't real but I don't care because Brian Cain, the genius behind Derek is real. Here's a halfway decent link if you want more info on blobs and globs and whatnots.

So anyway, I wish the site and the boards were still around so I could write and we could all talk about it, superior in our crypto-zoological knowledge.

The end result of this news reading is that I saw that the US is offering 25 mm for proof of what's his face's death, you know the one, ran Iraq, couldn't spell his name if I had to, the one we hear bad things about.

I am not a cruel person but there is a part of me that gets excited when I see a big reward like that. I want to be a bounty hunter! Just long enough to get the 25 mm so I can make some movies! I suppose that's terribly shallow of me but there you have it.

I was dismayed to see that the offer appears to be only good if you are an Iraqi. Now I suppose I could work some kind of deal, go find what's his face, capture him with my charisma and charm and then get some Iraqi to split the cash with me. But that's complicated and by the time I get to those kinds of thoughts I'm off thinking of new plot points for my Fragmented Woman script.

Perhaps I'm not cut out to be a bounty hunter but I bet I could find Jesse James and get that five large. I'm just sayin'

Wednesday, July 02, 2003

I don't know if writing Carnal Fear is healthy for me or the worst possible thing I could be doing. It riles me up. Brings back all these memories and feelings and I have no place for them.

Sometimes I stop as soon as I hit my 1100 words even though I could keep on going. Sometimes I feel like I could keep going forever or until every bit of me has gone into the computer, into the story. But I stop because I get scared.

I've been thinking of this as writing that is close to the bone but that's not even accurate. It's writing that feels like my soul is shredding.

I used to yell at my kids when I worked on this thing. I know, that's rotten but it's true and God knows if there is one thing I pride myself on it's my honesty. (unless I'm planning a hoax, but that's different somehow).

I'd yell at them when they interrupted me. I'd yell at them because I was just bursting with anger and loss. I'd be sitting here writing and crying, the tears just pouring down my face and Cam would ask me some question and I'd yell that I didn't know. I don't do that now. I sometimes say I'm writing and I can't think, I can't hear you right now, I need to finish this.

So I sit here listening to the same songs over and over (right now it's Adam singing ooh la la on 4/27/02) writing and writing and stopping and thinking I'll never breathe again but I have stopped yelling.

Ever since I started my search for the definition of forgiveness I seem to have lost a lot of my anger. I don't know if I said I found the definition that worked for me. The Real Live Preacher sent it to me when I wrote to him.

I was struck by the kindness of this man answering a total stranger, a lost stranger looking for some reason and shape to use to rebuild her life. Because that's what I have to do. I can't have my old life back again. I need to create a new one and I guess I am finally ready. Which is not to say I don't miss Danny like mad cause I do but somehow I'm suddenly able to let my anger at him, at me, at his mother, at the entire state of New Jersey, at God, at the woman who sold us the van, all that anger and let it go.

I'm writing about anger right now. Sutter's anger. She's very very angry. She's so angry she cuts her arms to let the anger out. I feel so sad for her. She's been through so much and she's going to go through so much more. She's going to be happy then sad then happy again but it's all a long journey.

I can see her as I write her. She's in her basement apartment, screaming and throwing everything around because someone asked her something simple. Asked her not to hurt herself anymore. So simple to the person who asked her and so hard for her to say yes. She is too angry to say yes. She can only rage against the world but the world is so large and she's so small all her rage leads her right back where she started.

Maybe seeing that in her lets me see it in me. I can rage and rage and rage and turn into a bitter horrible person but it won't bring my Danny back, will it? It would actually drive him further away because I wouldn't be the woman who mattered to him ten thousand times more than his writing. I wouldn't be the one who could make him laugh, the one who he made laugh until I couldn't breathe. I'd be the kind of person he couldn't stand.

I was looking at old email where he told me that Derek wasn't gone, I was keeping him alive in my heart. And now I hear that from everyone, Danny's not dead as long as I keep him alive in my heart. I don't want to keep him in a bitter angry heart. I want to keep him in a warm and loving and large heart. A heart big enough to let me look at all the rotten things that go on and still keep on believing that somehow it will be okay. A heart big enough to look at all the good things that go on and throw my arms open and embrace IT, whatever it may be.

Ha! I was talking about my time problem last night and perception. I woke up a lot this morning and I kept thinking it was really late but the kids had unplugged my clock to play X-box.

I finally got up and came down to see if I was late for work and I was getting up half an hour early. That's two days in a row. Very freaky for me, usually I can't go to sleep but I do sleep well in the early morning hours.

I see that it looks funny that I said I'd been playing the same song since 6 and it posted at 6:17. That's Pacific time and I'm Eastern time so I'd been playing it for three hours.

Natty Dreads Day XIX

I think I am finally starting to dread up. I'm still not sure and I swear I have never seen anyone with curly dreads before. More proof of my freakiness. *beams*

Tuesday, July 01, 2003

I think I fixed my time problem. Made it a perception problem instead which works in this context.

I'm waiting for the kids to complain because I have listened to the same July 18, 2001 live Good Night Elizabeth nonstop since I started writing at 6.

What a friggin joke. I was just over to the counting crows boards and my posts in the cool forum vanish. I can only post in the nurrie munching forum. They probably don't even know what that means. Tsk.

Damnation I have really confused myself now. I've been doing so well with my word count but now I am thinking that my timing might be kind of not what I wanted.

I'm listening to Adam talking about his heart going boom boom boom. Huh. I don't think he knows the half of it.

So anyway, I can rewrite everything I have done and set it later. I can leave it as is. I can make one love last much longer than I meant it to. I feel so antsy and crazy.

I wonder if other writers feel insane when they are working on something big. I don't remember ever feeling crazy while I wrote a screenplay. Maybe. I guess I do get very agitated when I want badly for something to work and I'm doubting it.

The weird thing is that often when I go back and look at what I was doubting it worked just fine and dandy the way I originally wrote it. It's just me not trusting myself or something.